leaving home

When I decided to work here in Toronto, my mind knew fully well that it was going to be for three years. My mind thought, I can do it. My soul thought, this must be what God had planned for me and so this fellowship has been offered to me. To which my mind acquiesced then that the offer was too good to pass up. But my heart was unsure...terrified even with the thought that I would be leaving all of my loved ones. My biggest worry was to leave my three children. I am very lucky to have Jun who has stepped up to the challenge of being father and mother.

My 9 year old boy Lomi, who is autistic, would certainly miss me. About three months before I left, we had a calendar on the wall, counting down the number of days left before my departure. It was a visual reminder for him that mama would be leaving. He would say, "Mama Donna ride airplane, go to Canada. Sleep in Canada." It was particularly heartwrenching on the day before I left as I was finishing in packing my suitcases. Lomi was dumping his own stuff in my bags insisting that he was going as well. "Lomi will ride airplane. Go to Canada with Mama Donna. Sleep in Canada."

Maxine is my beautiful little girl. She had just turned 8 two weeks before I left on June 24, 2006. She had me to herself on the day of her birthday. "Mama, do you really have to go?" I told her, yes...but if she wanted me to stay, she only has to say so and I will not go. I remember Maxine, pulling up to her full height and touching my face. "Well, you have been preparing for this a long time now mama. If you must go to do what you want to do..I understand." My heart felt like it was in a viselike grip. Maxine then gave me a drawing she had made. "Keep this mama ha." The paper was folded crosswise in half. On one half was a drawing of me and on the other half, of her. On the middle of the paper, she drew the sun and the moon. "Just remember mama, we will be looking at the same sun and the same moon." The tears were just flowing by then. I am amazed at Maxine....at her strength and with the support she renders. I am proud of her.

My youngest, Nikki, was 14 months old when I left. Truth to tell, I did not cease breastfeeding to the day I left. I thought, she will always remember me...my smell, being in my arms...that familiar feeling wherein she would find comfort and be soothe with my presence. I left knowing that she will probably not know me at all when I come back again. When Lomi and Maxine were in their formative years as toddlers, I had always been there for them. First time to use the spoon and fork well. First time to use the potty. First time to know the alphabet, 1-2-3. All the first times. I would never experience those with Nikki. My heart just kept on sinking with the realization. I am thankful that Jun made sure though that Nikki will always be reminded. My pictures were posted along walls where it would be at her eye level. "Nikki, who is that?" --- "Mama!"

A year has since passed. I still forge on here in Toronto. And I find myself asking, "Why?"