My mother was in hospital again. This year, previously she already had two ICU admissions but she came out walking in both times. She was tough and resilient. I was going to take care of her...however long she needed me.
From afar I saw her propped up on the bed as I entered the ICU. I thought, a medical student who would have her as an OSCE patient should not have any difficulty diagnosing what was wrong. My feelings sank. Her venous congestion crept all the way up to her scalp. Her breathing was mildly labored. Her eyes met mine and we were both in tears. She was happy to see me but could I really afford to be here once more? (I also came home when she was ill in April.) That doesn't really matter, mom. I am here for you now.
There were a number of reasons why I became a doctor. At that moment, I did not want to be one. I did not want to be one because I could see what was coming and I wish I was wrong. I thought, please God, let me be wrong.
There and then, I faced my mom. Hard as it was, but we had to set things straight in front of my dad. How much intensive care support do you want us to give you if the situation worsened? Absolutely none. She was resolute. My mom has always maintained that she was ready and if it is her time then so be it. Sya Nawa.
When she was diagnosed with lymphoma five years ago, she orchestrated building the family mausoleum.
Her illness did not strike her down. Just the opposite, it seemed to drive her on. She made every moment count as she went to every opportunity to celebrate with family and friends. Each occasion memorialized with the pictures she took with her trusty digital, her Canon. Though she has accepted the digital age, she still had all her pictures printed and carefully set them to albums with the corresponding notations. She took pride in them, the albums are numbered and arranged in a large aparador.
Last year, she was in Toronto and we tore all over the place...on foot. She was a trooper.
But now, she could not even brush her teeth without tiring. That crushed me.
I did not know that I was only going to have three more weeks with her.
I was here for her now. Now that she was ill. I wish I was there for the times when she was not. Now, I can only peer at her life from the pictures she lovingly kept and cared for.
I miss my mom.
