strong

I was happy to hand over the patients in the Unit to the next team on call at the end of my overnight shift. I was narrating events that transpired when the in-house fellow’s phone clipped to my pants suddenly rang. It was Pat. My sister had called from the Philippines and left a message for me to call back the soonest I can. I felt my heart drop and could not talk. I thought of the worse. I was visibly shaken but then regained my composure and quickly finished my hand over.

My thoughts immediately went to my mother. She was diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma in 2003 and went into remission after a tumultuous course of chemotherapy which led to doxuribicin induced cardiomyopathy and heart failure, DVT, PTE and post steroid diabetes. Through it all she remained crusty as ever.

Four years ago, in the early morning that we woke her up and my sister and I tearfully told her about the biopsy result, her reply was,”Sabi na nga ba eh. O, hwag nyo ako luhaan at buhay pa ako. Nagawa ko na rin lahat ng gusto ko. Handa naman ako kahit kailan. Kayo ang iintindihin ko. Teka, may duktor na ba ako na pupuntahan? Tena at magpahain na kayo ng agahan.”

I finally heard my ate’s familiar voice. Mom had an MRI last week, part of her bi-annual screening. She is still quite asymptomatic but from the imaging, her abdominal nodes have enlarged and one is severely compressing on her IVC. Mom swore off chemotherapy after her experience. She has relented though to treatment with Rituxan. I spoke to her on the phone.

“Ma, ok ka lang?”
“Oo, ok ako. Hwag mo akong intindihin. Intindihin mo sarili mo dyan.” Spoken like a true mother.
“Gusto mo ako umuwi?”
“Bakit uuwi? Tapusin mo yung pinunta mo dyan. Dito pa rin ako pagbalik mo.”
“Talaga ha. Ma....”
“O, ano yun?”
“Ma, I love you.”
“Ano kamo?” My mom has never been the mushy type but her actions betray her.
“Sabi ko, Ma, I love you.”
“O sige…same to you.” Patawa talaga nanay ko but I heard her voice break.

I felt reassured though we are miles apart, I felt my mother’s strength. I can only aspire to be the same pillar of strength towards my own family.